My Wedding Vow

My beloved darling, today I pledge myself to you, and swear that I will try every day, from here on out, to be worthy of your love.

I hope that we will share many adventures and grow old together. But if, during our lifetime, science finds a way to halt the aging process, I would gladly become immortal with you. That’s how much I love spending time together. Once we hit the five-hundred-year mark, though, I’m going to want to fuck around a little. I’m not sure if we’d call it an open relationship or just do a don’t-ask-don’t-tell kind of thing, but, either way, I’d want to make that decision as a team.

I promise to push you to achieve even beyond what you think is possible, because your victories are our victories. For instance, if a billionaire ever came up to us at a casino and was, like, “A million dollars for a night with your wife.” Guess what? I would be O.K. with that. How could I not be, when you consider all the good a million dollars could do in this world, with enough left over to, like, go on a sick cruise? The more I think about it, actually, the more this plan makes sense.

I promise to communicate fully and fearlessly with you. Like, for example, if I hear about a place called the California Live Forever Institute, where they can extend the human life span indefinitely. The doctors there have seen real results—there’s a lady on the Web site who looks like she’s in her forties, but she’s really ninety-four. It’s insane. And it’s financially out of reach right now—but it might not always be, especially if we get that casino thing going. So what I’m saying is, I heard about something like that, and I’m communicating it to you.

Because here’s the other half of the life-extension thing: interstellar travel is coming. And it’s only a matter of time before we discover life outside our universe. And I want to be here when that happens. Because, as much fun as it would be live forever and sleep around on Earth, can you imagine how exciting it would be to have sex with an alien? It might not even be like any sex we could conceive of with our human minds. Maybe it’s, like, I don’t know—they breathe on your eyeballs and then your blood starts to vibrate.

I pledge to truly listen to you and to hear what you’re saying. Like, right now, I’m sensing a lot of pushback on the alien thing, and, in the spirit of communicating fully and fearlessly, it’s pissing me off. Because, babe, guess what? The future is coming, and we’re either going to be ready for it, or not.

I promise to be honest with you always. And, in the spirit of honesty, I paid a man to dress up like an alien last weekend and mess around.

I have no idea where this is coming from. The dreams started about a year ago. I don’t know if I’m just bored at my job, or what. But here’s what I do know: I can’t wait to wear your ring, and for you to wear mine.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *